


The Price of Rain

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2018-01-13 02:54:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1210078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Camelot is in the midst of a drought as Arthur discovers Merlin's secret. In his anger he orders Merlin to make it rain. But with magic, to grant life, life must be sacrificed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There's a drought. It's really bad. A lot of wells have dried up and Camelot has taken to rationing the water it has stored, limiting it's citizens to two cups per person per day and strictly restricting water for washing. They're just about managing to keep the crops alive but they've only got about enough water to last a week or and the weathers showing no signs of letting up. Merlin hates it as he sits in a sheltered spot trying to catch his breath. He's already had to polish Arthur's armour and muck out the stables. Everyone else is on light duties, trying not to do anything that will make them break into a sweat and waste precious water. 

But Merlin isn't everyone else. He's the one who Arthur found using magic to clean his armour two weeks ago and hasn't spoken to Merlin since except to issue orders. And his anger is punishing, Merlin has rarely worked harder and he's tried everything. He's spent days doing exactly as Arthur told him to, only for Arthur to get more annoyed. He tried yelling at him and shouting at him, but that simply earned him the silent treatment and glares. They've come to standstill, where Arthur snaps and snarls at Merlin and Merlin grudgingly does everything he's told and cries to himself when Arthur's not looking. Neither the work nor the crying is helping him, and his through feels parched. He's already had the first of his two cups today and he's not due the second for hours. 

He's crying a little as he sits in the shadow of a doorway, trying to cool down. Arthur appears from inside, his face still set hard. 

"Get up you lazy idiot! All you ever do is sit around!" 

"That's not fair!" shouts Merlin in return, staggering to stand up.

"If you weren't so lazy you would have used your magic to end the drought" says Arthur offhandedly. He's been picking on Merlin with anything he can the last day or so, the latest development in his bitterness. Merlin tries to pin some of it down to Arthur's worry over the drought. He's taking it out on Merlin, but that doesn't seem to make him feel better. 

"What! Arthur, magic doesn't work like that... I can't, there isn't" Arthur's studying him closer now as Merlin babbles. 

"Oh I bet there is!" Merlin looks pained, there is a way, but it's a last resort, a terrible last resort. But what is one person compared to the whole city. Arthur sees debate in his mind, and latches onto it. 

"I knew it! Do something about this by sun down tomorrow!" 

"Arthur, please..."

"Do it!" shouts Arthur, and storms away. 

Merlin bows his head and walks slowly to Gaius' chambers. He heads up to his room and pulls out the magic book he hasn't bothered to hide recently and turns to the page he had already been studying. He'd been considering it obviously, but he was hoping to leave it a few more days before he resorted to it. He should ignore Arthur, say it didn't work. But Arthur won't accept that, maybe this will prove his loyalty. The cost is high, but it will keep a lot of people alive. 

He goes over and over the spell until he has it by heart, but he needs to do it at midday, and it's already mid afternoon when he starts and evening by the time he's finished. He goes to Arthur's chambers to serve Arthur his dinner. Arthur is glaring at him over his dry bread and dry chicken and immediately demands why Merlin hasn't made it rain. He tells Arthur the spells time limitation, but doesn't say any more. Because he has no hope that Arthur would change his mind even if he knew. So he finishes his duties and goes to bed with a heavy heart, trying not to think about how this is the last time he'll bid Gaius goodnight, or Arthur. Or the last night he'll go to sleep, last night of his life. His mind rebels against it and he doesn't sleep, waking groggily late, his legs tangled in his sheet. 

He's late waking Arthur, who is in an unbearable mood because of it, making it this his last and worst morning waking Arthur. He tries to hide his tears as he packs away Arthur's breakfast and clears away the laundry. Then he informs George that from now on he will be serving as Arthur's manservant and goes to bid his friends good bye. He's not sure what to say, they won't like what he's doing, but he doesn't have a choice. So he ends up just saying hello and goodbye to most of them. Gwen, Gwaine, Leon, Percival. Some just smile like it's a normal day, Leon and Gwen look at him strangely but don't enquire further. He tells Gaius he's going somewhere but doesn't elaborate, can't bring himself to say it's a permanent departure. Then, as midday approaches he heads to the highest point in the castle, the ramparts of the tallest tower. 

There's a light breeze which, for his last moments he thinks is a blessing. He stands near the ramparts and raises his arm to the sky. He starts to recite the spell, it's long and complicated. And the longer he says it the more painful it becomes for him, like something in him is being ripped out. But he keeps on speaking, his eyes burning gold, tears running down his face and his left fist clenched. And as he's about halfway through he can see the clouds beginning to form in the distance. As he finishes the whole sky is grey and the first raindrops are beginning to fall. The drought is over. Merlin's hand drops to his side, his face loses all expression and he doesn't move or react as the rain starts pouring down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur discovers Merlin after he has summoned the rains

Arthur's standing by the window of his chambers watching the clouds begin to develop. As they darken, threatening rain a smile breaks over his face. The second the first raindrop hits the glass, Arthur bolts for the door and runs down the stairs and out into the courtyard. He runs out into it, standing, spinning for a few moments in the blessed cool of the rain, drinking it, tasting it. His arms are out, his face lifted up and the picture of ecstasy. He laughs, and opening his eyes, they fall on the distant figure of Merlin on the ramparts. His smile blows wide then. Merlin, his Merlin, has done this, has saved everyone. 

He charges up to the ramparts, taking two steps at a time until he bursts through the door onto the rampart. Merlin is facing away from him, standing still. 

"You did it, Merlin, look! You brilliant idiot! Merlin!" He comes up and claps Merlin on the shoulder. Merlin doesn't react.

"Merlin?" He turns to look at Merlin for a moment.

"Look, It's all forgiven okay. And I'm sorry if I was a little harsh" he turns back to admire the view of the rain falling and waits for Merlin to say something. When he doesn't, he turns to look at him again.

"Merlin!" He turns round now, pushing Merlin by the shoulder so he turns a little. He glares at Merlin, but Merlin's not showing any emotion. He's never seen his expression this blank. Even when Merlin tries to look emotionless, his eyes overflow with hurt or love or anger or joy. That's gone. 

"Merlin?" says Arthur, and a sense of foreboding is creeping into his heart and mind. He waves his hand in front of Merlin's eyes. He doesn't even blink. He raises Merlin's arm and it stays where it's put. After a moment he puts it down again. Still nothing. 

"Merlin stop it!" he tries, because this must be a joke, but he's blinking as he says it, fighting back tears. 

"We need to go inside, you're getting soaked" he says and heads towards the door, but Merlin doesn't move. His brow knotting in worry, he tugs Merlin's arm. Merlin steps the way he's pulled and stops again. Still no emotion, no reaction. Arthur grits his teeth and starts pulling Merlin one step at a time.

It's a long time later when he's standing in Gaius' chambers, nervously biting his thumb waiting for Gaius to return. Gaius has had a lot of patients with this heat and drought. He returns a little while later, smiling and soaked. He kicks the door open burdened with supplies and laughs

"It's over, thank goodness" but his smile falters as his eyes rest on Merlin staring into space and Arthur, chewing his thumb, brow wrinkled with worry.

"What is it, sire? Merlin?"

"He's... he's not... something's happened. He won't speak or look at me or..." That's enough to worry Gaius, who immediately places his things down on the work bench and heads over to examine Merlin.

"Merlin? Merlin my boy, can you hear me?" He tries gently tapping his hand and lightly slapping his face. No blink, no look of pain or recognition. 

"What happened?" he asks, turning to Arthur.

"I... he made it rain and now..."

"Made it rain?! Oh, Merlin, what have you done?!" says Gaius, with emotion.

"What?" asks Arthur. 

"Why didn't he wait a little longer? We had three good days of water left! It might have rained!"

"I don't understand!"

"Merlin didn't tell you, then. Magic like this, it needs a sacrifice. Life for life. It seems that the price of this rain is..." Gaius motions to Merlin. To leave Merlin an empty shell, thinks Arthur bitterly. He feels empty himself, hollow. He didn't ask, didn't even think to ask the consequences of his demand. And Merlin didn't tell him. Just did it, because he's Merlin and it's always others, always Arthur first.

"Can we, is there a way to bring him back?" he asks, thinking please please please please may there be some way. 

Gaius walks away, plodding up to Merlin's room and comes back a while later carrying the spell book that was laid on Merlin's bed. He lays it on the bench and opens it at the page he found it open at. Fixing his glasses on his nose he studies the page for what seems a torturous eternity. The relentless patter of the rain on the window only serves as a reminder of what Arthur has done and what the price is. 

"There is only the spell, a small description of how it's performed and it's effect. About the sacrifice it says the soul is 'exiled from the body '. Beside that there is a small written note. It's not Merlin's hand, must be older. It says 'you can't pour water into a broken pot'. That's it"

"What does that mean?" 

"I don't know. I have never lived through a time so desperate as to warrant this spell's use, never heard of anyone who did use it living more than a month after it, certainly never regaining... themselves." 

Arthur's face crumbles and he sits down on the bench and leans his elbow on the table, covering his mouth with his hand before covering his hole face with one then two hands. He's sobbing. Gaius lays his hand on Arthur's shoulder and he pulls away like he's been burned by it. 

"Don't! It's my fault, all my fault! I told him to make it rain! I ordered him to! I didn't ask, he didn't say! But he said it didn't work like that... I should have listened! I killed him! I killed him!" 

Gaius doesn't try and touch him again. After a few moments he shuffles away and starts putting his supplies away. When he's finished he ask.

"What are you going to do with him?" Arthur looks up, brows frowning in confusion. Gaius motions towards where the living shell of Merlin stands emotionless where Arthur left him. 

"I don't know" he says quietly.

"I can brew a tincture, it will be painless, if he can feel..." Arthur can see the serious look in Gaius' eye, Gaius doesn't like people suffering. But it also feels like a test, even if it isn't. 

"No!" says Arthur sternly after a moment.

"No, we... we look after him. He gave his life saving everyone, doing as I ordered. So I'll look after him."

"Arthur, this won't be easy. He won't be able to do anything himself" 

"I know"

"Bathing, eating, his business" 

"I know, I'll need help. Will you help?" 

"Of course, as much as I can. But I'm also a physician, I have many other patients. It'd be best if he doesn't sleep in a room alone, we don't know what will happen over night."

"He can sleep in my chambers" says Arthur firmly

"Arthur, you're the king..." 

"He was my best friend! And I..." he motions to Merlin. Gaius' look shows he's all too aware of the situation. He's clearly upset with Arthur, but it would be hard to be more upset with Arthur than Arthur is right now. So he nods and helps Arthur begin to plan. 

After 5 hours of torrential rain it stops. That's the spell over, they've had their reprieve, that's all it does. And they're out of danger. Arthur and Gaius struggle to feed Merlin a soup without him choking, but just about manage. Then Arthur slowly walks Merlin to his chambers, where he undresses him except his shirt and puts him in sleeping trousers. He lays Merlin down on one side of the bed, so that he's staring blankly at the canopy. He closes Merlin's eyes then readies himself for bed. He doesn't have another cot he can sleep in tonight, so he takes a pillow and sleeps top to tail with Merlin in his own bed, his head next to Merlin's feet. He lays awake long into the night, thinking about the way Merlin's face used to light up or how he rolled his eyes or raised his eyebrows at Arthur. About all the things he used to say, to guide and encourage Arthur. To tease him and tell him off. About the sound of his voice, his laugh. Above the sound of his own crying he hears the worst sound he could imagine. Rain begins to patter against the window pane again.


	3. Chapter 3

The first month of looking after the body that was Merlin is seems like the hardest of Arthur's life. The first night is traumatic in itself. Just as he's finally beginning to dose off, having cried until he can cry no more, he hears Merlin making strange noises in his throat and scrambles up to find him choking on his tongue. Arthur manages to turn him onto his side and Merlin's breathing evens out, but the shock has Arthur shaking. Less than one day and he's nearly killed Merlin already. He doesn't sleep for the rest of the night, sitting up against the pole of the bed, watching Merlin lying still. 

The rest of the month is just as painful. Feeding Merlin is a trial at every meal. He can't chew or swallow so they have to feed him soup and water. He starts to lose weight and Arthur panics, but they get it under control. He has to be bathed, has to wear special underwear because he has no control of his bowels or bladder and Arthur has to get used to cleaning that up, which is foul. But he does it, because it's the right thing to do. 

And Merlin expresses no feeling of pain. So when Arthur sees a bruise on his arm he doesn't know how it got there. At first he tries to get a number of servants to help him with caring for Merlin, only for a few hours and never to do more than watch over him, but when he finds them testing whether Merlin can feel pain with a poker straight from the fire, he changes his mind. He also has them flogged and put in the stocks. He limits Merlin's care to those he knows he can trust, himself, Gaius and Gwen. Gwen has always been a good friend to Merlin and she's kind and patient. She doesn't mind the extra duties, and when Arthur walks in with Gwen caring for Merlin she's often chatting to him.

It heartens Arthur to see it. He does the same. Sometimes he wonders if Merlin is trapped inside his own head. The idea terrifies him and so he chats and talks too. Tries to imagine what Merlin's responses would be and reply to them. If Merlin can hear him, he wants him to know he's not alone. Merlin has done the same for him before.

But after four months have passed it's taking it's toll. Arthur is nervous, constantly chewing his right thumb as every day new issues come to light. Merlin's broken a bone, Merlin's losing weight again, he's not getting enough exercise, he's caught a cold and doesn't cough. Arthur never does move out of his bed. Every night Merlin sleeps next to him, or lays there as Arthur sleeps. Arthur feels like he's living with a ghost sometimes. Sometimes he swears he can hear Merlin talk or laugh but Merlin's blank face reminds him of reality. It haunts him every day. 

After eight months something changes but it only makes the already skittish Arthur more nervous. Merlin starts wandering around. Still no expression, still no response to touch or sound or smell, he still doesn't eat by himself or control any other function. But if he isn't watched sometimes he'll get up and walk across a room, walking into walls and doorways. One day he makes it within a couple of feet of the stairs and Arthur's heart is racing thinking through what could have happened. He doesn't know how much longer he can go on, but he tries to think it's a positive sign, even if it does drive him to chew his thumb so badly it bleeds. 

Ten months and Merlin starts using his hands. But not in a helpful, encouraging way. He takes clothes off, often at inappropriate times. And blocks Arthur and Gaius from trying to feed him or change him or bathe him. And he develops a frown. Gaius gets very excited the first time he does it. It's the first time Merlin's showed any emotion since... since Arthur condemned him to this life. Arthur wonders if Merlin can hear and see after all and is miserable. What if he wants Arthur to put him out of his misery? Arthur can't do that, he knows he can't. So he chews his other thumb and tries to convince himself that's not true, Merlin wouldn't give up so easily. And when, after a month there's no other sign of progress, Gaius begins to lose enthusiasm too. Not completely, he loves Merlin like a son and will never give up on him. And neither will Arthur.

The morning of the anniversary of Merlin's sacrifice, Arthur gets out of his side of the bed as usual, throws his pillow back up to the head of the bed, by Merlin's head, and gets changed as usual. He decides to risk running to kitchen to grab breakfast before he and Gaius feed Merlin, but he's careful to shut the door fully as he leaves.

It's the click of the latch that wakes Merlin.


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin wakes up. His eyes focus on the cabinet next to Arthur's bed. The cabinet next to Arthurs bed. Why is he in Arthur's bed? He sits up frowning, looking around. The room is different than how it should be. The screne for changing has moved, the wardrobe across from the bed is joined by a second, and there are more chairs. When did Arthur get more chairs? And why is Merlin in Arthur's bed? He moves to get out of bed and looks down at what he's wearing. He doesn't remember this shirt he wears, but that is the least of his worries. Below that he can see and feel a bulk which isn't normal. He tentatively lifts the waist of his trousers to peer underneath. He's wearing some kind of nappy. He lets go, his hands dropping to his side in shock. He feels humiliated and wronged and confused. Why was he in Arthur's bed wearing a nappy? 

He tries to think back to what he last remembers. His face pales as he remembers the rooftop and the rain and Arthur being so upset and angry with him. This must be some kind of cruel and twisted punishment. He thought he'd done it, he'd seen it start to rain. Maybehe hadn't quite finished and the rain had stopped, and this is Arthur's reaction. That's the only explanation. Although that doesn't explain the chairs and other room changes. But what other explanation could there be for this indignity. Merlin decides he doesn't have to stand for it and gets up, pulling his trousers off, then this monstrosity of material, and putting his trousers back on again just as Arthur comes back through the door. His eyes fall on the material Merlin has just removed.

"Merlin! Please no, not this morning! At least it's clean I suppose" he says picking it up. 

"We'll need to take those off ag..." Arthur trails off, Merlin's never put clothes back on again before. His eyes finally drift up to meet Merlin's. Merlin who is meeting him eye to eye with a furious look. An intelligent look. A conscious look.

"Merlin?" he asks quietly, because he can't believe it. Merlin just stares back for a moment but he's blinking and pouting. Then he says 

"Why was I wear..." he doesn't get any further before Arthur has tackled him with a hug, almost knocking him over. And he's sobbing into Merlin's shoulder like a child. Relief and guilt and love all overflowing at once, because Merlin spoke, Merlin said something. Which means Merlin is really here and alive. And Arthur's holding on because this early in the morning he can't be sure this isn't a dream. He pulls back and Merlin is still looking at him, still watching Arthur and assessing.

"Am I dreaming?"

"What the hell am I doing in a nappy!" shouts Merlin, pushing away from Arthur with a shout.

"What?" asks Arthur nervously. He'd never expected Merlin to return quite this agressive, but then he'd never really allowed himself to believe Merlin would return. 

"Why was I wearing that?" he motions to the material in Arthur's had. Arthur drops it like a red hot coal. 

"We... we had to, you kept soiling yourself" Merlin eyes blow wide.

"We? Kept? What the hell is going on?" Arthur brings his hand up to try and placate Merlin, but Merlin pushes it away.

"You... after the spell, you weren't yourself. We lost you but ... we kept your body. But you didn't do anything so we had to bathe you and feed you and... " Arthur motions to the material on the ground. Merlin has stopped looking at Arthur. This is worse, this is so much worse, Merlin's chin wrinkles as angry tears threaten.

"Who is we?" he asks in a dangerously quiet voice.

"Only me and Gaius" says Arthur.

"Gwen helped feed you and she read to you but she never helped bathe you or anything..." he trails off. Merlin hasn't turned back, he's still glaring daggers at the cabinet by the bed.

"How long was I... you know what, it doesn't matter. You must have taken great enjoyment out of seeing me humiliated" spits Merlin.

"What? No! It wasn't like that!"

"You hated my magic and you hated me for it, I bet you thought it was only fitting"

"No!"

"Didn't I do enough! I thought that spell would kill me! That's what it said! But no! That wasn't enough for you! Stick him in a nappy and have everyone come and pity the freak!"

"Merlin!"

"Well, I don't care any more! I've done everything I can to prove my loyalty! If that's not good enough for you, you can shove it!" Merlin storms out of the room, slamming the door as he goes. Arthur turns to follow but stops short as the door slams in front of him. He's breathing heavily, tears quickly form and he brings his thumb up and chews as he tries not to think about how Merlin did come back and really does hate him. He has lost him forever, again. He's the worst friend anyone could have the misfortune to have. He bites down a little too hard pulls his thumb away as a line of blood trickles down his wrist. Not again.


	5. Chapter 5

Merlin walks almost at a jog along a corridor, heading for the rooftop again. His mind is racing with thoughts of humiliation and bitterness, it only just registers that he's breathing heavily and that his heart is racing. He puts it down to his anger and forgets it when his eyes light on Gwen, who a moment later looks up at Merlin. At first she looks worried and starts walking towards him, but when her eyes connect with Merlin's she halts and stares at him for a second. Then her face breaks into a brilliant smile and she runs to him.

"Merlin!" she flings her arms around him, the pulls back and puts her slim hands round his face, looking at him tearfully. 

"I can't believe you're back, oh, it's so wonderful! When did you..."

"Just a minute ago" he mutters frowning. 

"What was it? A potion? A spell?"

"I just woke up" says Merlin annoyed. But it's always been difficult to stay angry around Gwen, besides this was probably Arthur's idea. 

"Just like that? After all this time?" she asks frowning herself, thoughtfully. Merlin's mind registers the implication. His skin feels uncomfortably prickly as a shiver sweeps over him.

"Gwen, how long have I..."

"You don't know? They didn't tell you? Oh Merlin, it's been a year!" Merlin pales, he feels sick. He looks around, but there's not much to be different in a corridor. He feels his head rushing with thoughts and he feels like a caged animal. He doesn't understand. He looks up at Gwen for a moment then runs the rest of the way to the stairs to the turret. He's out of breath when he gets there, his throat burning and chest heaving. He hasn't run very far, the length of the corridor, barely ten metres, but it hurts. He sees Gwen turning to follow so he starts climbing the stairs, sealing the doors with magic before he begins his descent. He barely gets halfway up before he collapses on the stairs, struggling for breath.

He lies there for what feels like an eternity, crying onto the narrow stone step. He tries once to lift himself onto the stone step, but it makes him feel sick. So he sits there for a long while until his breathing evens out. What if it's true? Gwen doesn't lie. And he's really unfit if he can't manage one corridor and half a flight of stairs. He admits defeat and begins a very shaky descent. By the time he's got to the bottom he's decided to head to Gaius. He's lost of a year of his life and all his dignity, and now he can't run away, so Gaius' seems the next best option. He pauses at the bottom, and unseals the door. Gwen is waiting behind it, clearly upset. But when she sees Merlin's red eyes and the way he clings to the door frame, any bad feeling is gone and she readily offers a shoulder to help Merlin back to Gaius'. 

They open the door to find Arthur seated on the bench. He looks up at their entry. Merlin wants to run away and his expression makes that clear, but he's weak and Gwen is the only thing keeping him standing. Arthur's already forlorn face falls a little more and he lifts his hands from out of bowl of water. Why is Arthur at Gaius' with his hands in a bowl of water? He quickly tries them on a cloth, and leaves. Just as the door closes, Gaius emerges, glasses on, holding a jar of ointment Merlin knows treats infected wounds. Gauis is looking at it as he walks in

"You'll have to apply this twice a day and if you don't stop..." He comes to a halt as he finally looks up and his eyes rest on Merlin. His face breaks into a smile. 

"My boy! You're back in the land of the living!" He walks over, giving Merlin a fatherly one armed hug before helping Gwen guide him to the bench. Merlin finds himself smiling for the first time since he woke up, but then suddenly he feels like crying again. 

"Oh, ok, ok. Let it all out now, it's been a very stressful day. Don't bottle it up, it'll only fester" says Gaius, wrapping an arm round his shoulder without judging him, rubbing up and down and shushing him. Merlin lets himself go. He didn't know he felt this upset, isn't sure quite why he's reacting like this, but Gaius is right, he can trust Gaius. After a few moments, Gaius turns a little, lifting the hand still holding the jar of ointment and says quietly. 

"Gwen, can you take this to Arthur, and tell him to use this twice daily, as before. And if he doesn't, he knows the consequences" She must nod because she takes the ointment and then he hears the door click as she leaves. Merlin tries to ignore the thoughts that are building in his mind. What has happened since he stopped being him, how much help did he need, and what did it entail? But there's one thought that's playing on his mind. He's been trying to push it aside, because he'd convinced himself Arthur was a cruel, vindictive monster. But he hadn't looked cruel or vindictive tonight. He'd looked miserable, his hands sitting in a bowl of water. And the more he thinks about the way Arthur looked the more worried he gets because he looked tired and upset. And he was here, with his hands in water, being handed a wound cream. His curiosity wins out and he turns to Gaius. 

"What's wrong with Arthur?"


	6. Chapter 6

"What's wrong with Arthur?" he tries to make it sound flippant, off hand. As if he's just mentioning the weather, but he's still crying slightly and he can't help a slight frown forming. Gaius considers him for a moment. 

"Arthur has developed a few bad habits since you fell ill" he says with a hint of annoyance.

"Bad habits?" 

"He... he chews his thumbs, and his fingers, although that's a recent development"

Merlin frowns at him, his eyes inquiring. 

"It's a nervous habit, he doesn't realise he's doing it, at least not until he's already done it. It's already deformed his thumb nails and he's at serious risk of losing his right thumb nail completely if it gets infected again. Maybe even the thumb"

"But... but Arthur doesn't get nervous. I mean I know he's always put pressure on himself to be a good king but..." says Merlin, insistently, but Gaius interrupts.

"Merlin, he's been worrying about you! He's spent a year caring for you and running a country at the same time. It hasn't been easy."

"Tell me" says Merlin, bracing himself. He listens as Gaius recounts in frank detail all that he and Arthur and Gwen have done to keep him alive. Merlin doesn't know what he feels. On the one hand he's been exposed and vulnerable and disgusting. The thought of someone, especially Arthur, wiping his arse and clearing up soiled nappies makes him want to be sick and he thinks he'll probably never be able to look Arthur in the eye again. But then Gaius tells him of the way Arthur was the first one to start talking to him, in case he was conscious and felt alone. And Arthur took him for walks, leading him by the hands through the town or round the castle. Never further, because he didn't want to tire Merlin out, but he did want to keep him fit. And how he'd order flowers or sweet smelling herbs or branches from the forest, in case Merlin remembered the smell. 

Gaius tells him about the numerous times he nearly died and how upset Arthur had been, how fearful. He told him about how Merlin had choked on soup once as they tried to feed him, early on, and it had very nearly suffocated him. Later he'd gone to check on Merlin in Arthur's chambers to find Merlin sat on the rug by the first, Arthur tugging him into his side with his left hand and reading to him from a book in his right. His voice was wavering and he kept looking up at Merlin, then back down at the book, fighting the urge to cry. 

"It was the morning after that that I noticed his thumb. He said it was nothing, but he's been getting worse, especially when you started wondering off. And you're... reaction has upset him. I don't think suggesting Arthur took enjoyment from your condition was very good for Arthur's thumb."

"... so he forgave me?" asks Merlin quietly.

"He's known for a long time that there's nothing to forgive you for. At the moment the only person Arthur Pendragon is struggling to forgive is himself."

"I need to see him" Merlin goes to stand, but Gaius easily pulls him back down with one arm

"No, you need to rest, I'll have some chicken soup ready for lunch when you wake. You can speak to him after that"

"I'd prefer bread and cheese" says Merlin. 

"I'm sure you would, but you've spent a year consuming nothing but soup. Your stomach will not appreciate anything solid. Now that you're awake I can begin to wean you back onto solid foods, starting with a thick chicken soup. I'm sorry, but you'll probably still need to use a nappy like the one you abandoned with Arthur. I have some stored in your room."

Merlin looks at him with disbelief and revulsion.

"I'm awake now, Gaius!"

"Trust me on this, you may be awake, but you're going to need it"

Merlin wakes a few hours later in his own bed feeling groggy and soon discovers why humans shouldn't only eat soup. But at least now he's alone to deal with it, no one else can look on with disgust. He drags himself downstairs for soup and eats it, trying to look enthusiastic about the soup Gaius places in front of him. After he's eaten he heads to Arthur's chambers. Slowly. The adrenaline must have helped him before because this time he tires more easily on the way there. It also takes him a lot longer, but that isn't helped by all the knights and servants who keep stopping him to say how glad they are he's awake, give him a friendly shoulder rub and ask all manner of odd questions. Gwaine chats to him for quite a while, but also offers him an arm to take him the last leg to Arthur's door, then leaves him. 

He doesn't bother to knock before entering, he never has. Inside he finds Arthur sitting in a chair by the fire, staring at it unseeing, chewing his index finger. His hand is palm up, even from here Merlin can see the angry red of the thumb and the way the nail is growing lumpy and crooked. Arthur's wearing a pensive, worried look, his hair hasn't been brushed, he hasn't shaved today either. He glances up to see Merlin watching him and pulls his hand away from his mouth guiltily then stands up. 

"Merlin, I'm sorry! I..."

"No, Arthur. Let me speak first"


	7. Chapter 7

Arthur is sat by the fire, which is crackling soothingly. The firelight is warm and soft, and he feels blissfully comfortable. Even with one hand dangling awkwardly in a bowl of teppid salt water and the other being tended by Merlin. 

Merlin who has spent the last hour giving him a lecture on not biting his nails and the dangers of worry and being anxious. He's currently very tenderly cleaning Arthur's thumb, trimming off any loose dead skin, and he has the ointment Gaius sent along to apply to the hand currently in the salt water, which will kill any infection that has crept in. 

"You don't have to worry about me any more, you know." 

"Merlin, you were almost dead for a year!"

"I know, but I'm here now. And Gaius is says I've made good progress. Once I'm eating properly and I've caught up on all the castle gossip I should be unstoppable"

"Merlin, be careful. You'll have to build your strength up. Gwen told me about the stairs" Arthur's looking serious and worried again. 

"You're supposed to tell me I'll be unshutupable" says Merlin, raising his eyebrows cheekily then turning to carry on working. Arthur tries to roll his eyes, but it's so typically Merlin that he can't help but smile and laugh at it a little. He feels tears in his eyes which is ridiculous. Why is he crying when Merlin is here and Merlin is himself again? But he is, because he never thought he'd hear that cheeky voice again. Merlin glances up then double takes, his face growing serious. 

"Oh, Arthur, shh, it's okay. I'm here okay, look I'm real" he says taking Arthur's hand and placing it against his own cheek, which just makes Arthur cry a little more but he's smiling too.

"I'm just so happy you're here" he says, quietly, it's almost a whisper. 

Merlin smiles and lets go of Arthur's hand to lean forward and hug Arthur. Arthur careful takes his hand out of the salt water so that he can wrap them both around Merlin. He holds him for a long while because he can. He concentrates on the feeling of Merlin holding him in return, on his smell and the feeling of him breathing and his heart beating. 

"I missed you" he says,

"I missed you too" says Merlin sadly. Arthur turns to look at him questioningly.

"You missed me?" he asks

"When..." Merlin suddenly thinks maybe he shouldn't say. He'd missed Arthur when Arthur had disowned him, when he didn't think Arthur could ever forgive him. But Arthur has forgiven him and Arthur has spent a year as nursemaid, becoming a nervous wreck and he can't stand that. But Arthur's looking worried again, and saying nothing will only make him worry more.

"When I thought I'd lost you" he says after a moment. Arthur frowns in confusion, then saddens in realisation.

"I'm sorry" Arthur whispers, brokenly.

"Hey! No, it's okay. I know that now, I know what you did for me. Gaius told me, Gwen told me too, and Gwaine. You were an idiot before, but I was too. I should have told you what the consequences were, should have told you to stop being a dollop head like I used to do."

"You shouldn't have needed to" says Arthur.

"But I'm here now, and I'm okay, I'm going to be okay. And so are you, if you'll stop biting your thumb and stop worrying!" Merlin hugs Arthur again, because it's feels right, it feels like home and it feels like what Arthur needs it. And after a while Arthur's silent sobs slow and his breathing evens and he kisses the side of Merlin's head and rubs Merlin's back. 

"Can I read to you?" asks Arthur after minutes or hours, he can't tell. 

"Yes. But let me finish your hands first. How are you supposed to crash around with your sword bullying your knights with no thumb?" 

Merlin finishes tending his thumbs and fingers, he cleans them, puts the ointment on them and lightly bandages them to stop Arthur chewing them without thinking. Arthur gets out the book he used to read to Merlin, but this time when Merlin leans back against him it is Merlin who holds the book and turns the page. Merlin who leans his head against Arthur's chin and shoulder and keeps interrupting the story just to make silly comments or annoy Arthur. And Arthur had imagined this, but he could never quite predict what Merlin would say, or when he'd say it. It's so real, so vital. 

When Merlin falls asleep in his arms, Arthur carries him to his bed like before, but as he lays him down, Merlin's eyes blink sleepily open. 

"'m cold"

"I'll get you another blanket"

"You're warmer" says Merlin. And there's something there that's new and exciting. But also affectionate and old and incredibly trusting. He kisses Merlin on the forehead and then walks round to climb into bed the other side. He turns towards Merlin and Merlin shuffles over to bury his head in crook of Arthur's neck and his arms snake round Arthur's waist and he soon falls asleep. It's innocent and intimate. And Arthur doesn't need anything more as he smiles and finally falls into a peaceful sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I love comments, virtual cookies for comments. And I apologise, I don't know why my fics often end up hurting Merlin... I don't hate him, honest. And I'm sorry for making Arthur an arse. It's difficult, it has to be to do with the magic reveal because otherwise the guy is canonically besotted with Merlin. 
> 
> Also, as always, this is not glorifying suicide. Merlin sees no other choice (not true really, but his POV). If you are feeling suicidal or like you've got no way out, feel free to message me or comment. Please talk to someone, don't think no one will care, they will. 
> 
> The second half will look at the impact of Merlin's actions.


End file.
